the168

Before having my own children, I had worked as a teacher, a tutor, and a nanny. Still, I wasn’t prepared for the job of a parent.

Not because I didn’t understand children. Not because I hadn’t read appropriate literature. But because I didn’t have that village that new parents need to help them perform such a physically and emotionally demanding job. Yes, it may be the most fulfilling job in the world. To me it is. But it is hard. Both those realities can coexist at the same time.

I appreciate how this 5-minute TED Series video breaks it down: caregiving is real work. It wasn’t until recently when most of the world got locked inside their homes because of the pandemic, that this work became visible on a large scale. And it’s only going to become more prevalent in the coming decades. So we better talk about it.

And here I must admit something.

Before becoming a parent, with all my teaching and caregiving experience, I had thought I would navigate parenting with ease. I had thought I knew practically everything about children’s behaviour. So when I saw a parent yelling at their child, I would judge them. Now I see a parent yelling at their child — I think they’re exhausted.

To be clear, I do not think it’s okay to yell at children. First of all, children do not deserve that, in my opinion. Second, yelling is just not the most effective communication tactic. Unless a child is in imminent danger and must be warned loudly, I don’t see a good reason for yelling. I would assume that no parent actually wants to yell at their child. Most likely they do it because they need help — maybe a different communication tool they haven’t considered, or maybe just a moment to walk away and take a breath. This is exactly what the village is for — sometimes to learn from the elders, other times to simply have another adult with whom we can leave the child when we need a break before things escalate.

I understand it’s a fine line between protecting a child and empathizing with an exhausted parent. What I think we need to talk about more though is that wellbeing is not a zero-sum game. A child is well when the parent is well. And a big part of wellness is validation. Yes, children deserve to be treated with respect. And yes, in the modern day of spread-out cities, parents are under a lot of undiluted pressure. Both those realities can coexist at the same time.

So let’s talk about it more. Caregiving is real, hard work. What do you think? Share your thoughts below.